Even now as I sit here I'm likely hustling for my worthiness. Tonight I'm intentionally not going to my soccer practice in favor of sitting in my feelings. I'm exhausted from spending my whole day in this space hustling, it's a tough business. What exactly is hustling for my worthiness? Well it starts with not feeling like I'm good enough for my job, to be a supervisor, to be a friend, to be in a relationship. The day started strong, I was positive, I texted him, I felt okay with the change in communication and was not going to focus on it. Sure I was late to work because I thought again (day 2 in a row) that I knew the best way to get there.
So I arrived to work and was feeling great about my knowledge of what needed to be done and how to move forward. I had a plan for the day and it went great. I was proud of this team that will be mine for putting in a lot of work to make the event successful. I even had a moment of prayer/meditation where I practiced gratitude. Then the program ended, I had learned a lot but was physically, emotionally, mentally exhausted. To clear my mind I chose to take a walk and we got into talking deep feelings. For whatever reason I thought, let's lean in. For the record, you should lean in, when appropriate but this was not that time! But here I was opening up and although they were the best of intentioned people, we just kept going to that place where I found myself getting defensive, hustling for my worthiness with him too.
This carried into meeting with my former AD where I hustled for their attention and then in my phone conversations. Todays lesson, I'm enough all by myself, at this very minute. I was hired for a reason, I have good friends who have earned the right to hear my story, and I am worthy of being in these relationships. Tomorrow's goal: Create the space where living in the moment is possible.
